I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
