he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
