my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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