When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
