I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
