I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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