Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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