I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
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the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
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Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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