So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
