i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
