I have demons in me.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
