I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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