i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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