I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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