My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
