I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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