It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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