I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
