Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
