by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize