I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
A+ Viking dick
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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