I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
