you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
