i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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