I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
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The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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