If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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