I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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