From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish i was in the wii world.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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