I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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