He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
