So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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