is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
