someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
