I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
