atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
