those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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