when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
