Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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