I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
