Need sex. Gaining weight.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
