I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
