I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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