I hate your face
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Randomize
