You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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