I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
either way he was missing a nipple.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
