So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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