He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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