You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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