i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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