Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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