The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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