a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
