i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
