Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
