stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
