i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
